Merry Christmas 2013
It’s raining outside and the Jeep looks like crap.
Miley is twerking to Jingle Bells Rap.
You beat up some kook in an S.O.A. tee.
…drive home from the lot with his freshly chopped tree.
The wife’s making GIFs for her next tumblr post,
you head for the market to steal a rib roast.
Your phone starts to buzz as you head out the door.
The In-laws again, they’re looking to score.
Christmas will be here in just one more night,
bring ’em a bottle they’ll stay out of sight.
The kids left last Friday to go out and play,
they always come home for the big holiday.
You pass by a church and think about mass,
but you know ol' Santa don’t give a rat’s ass.
Arrive at a mall where the parking lot’s packed,
the really nice cars have already been jacked.
The new “same old” Center’s a mile away.
You snag a good space it might be your day.
At American Eagle you hear a loud sound.
The cops have your daughter hog-tied on the ground.
You duck into Nordstrom before you are seen,
They won’t keep her long she’s only fourteen.
Searching and searching you nab the right gift.
The guard’s posting selfies, it’s late in his shift.
Slip out the back door and into the cold.
Shoplifting's easy when you start to look old.
It’s now Christmas morning and everyone’s here,
They’re fighting and drinking their holiday cheer.
Your friends and your family can’t wreck your yuletide.
To hell with them all just go for a ride!